David Bridges
AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO and internet personality Elon Musk shocked the nation Monday by announcing that, in a last-ditch effort to buy the public’s love, everyone could pick out any one toy from Walmart.
“I just want you to love me,” Musk said outside the Walmart. “So I mean it, everyone go and pick out one toy, it’s on me. I’m not skimping on the type of toy either, make it a LEGO set or a Switch game, I don’t care. And before you ask, yes, you can have two small toys in place of one big toy if you so choose. Will this buy your affection for a while? You all like me now, right? I’m the cool tech guy that buys people things. I care about the water in Detroit or something like that. I said I’d fix that, right? And it’s fixed now? Never can remember how that ended. Anyway, go enjoy your toy, and keep it in mind when my next scandal comes out, please.”
Some Americans felt that this move was symbolic of their relationship with Musk.
“This actually completely puts everything in perspective: Elon Musk is like our rich deadbeat dad,” said local man Mark Harpo. “Every once in a while he swoops into our lives and just when you think he might be reformed, he fucks up worse then ever before. You can tell he wants to be liked from the material things he flexes, but his actions are cruel and cold. Reminds me of my dad.”
At press time, an increasingly magnanimous Musk announced that he is allowing all Tesla employees thirty minutes to see their families one last time.
Mason Thompson
Maya Kensington
