Dating Bi Men: A Renewed Conversation Emerges

The dynamics of dating and the profiles of those we choose to date continue to ignite passionate discussions across social media platforms. Sharing intimate details about our romantic encounters forms the backbone of online interactions, yet it also leads to some of the most misguided opinions you may come across.

The cyclical nature of online discourse means that certain notions and standards regarding sex and dating are endlessly recycled on platforms like TikTok and X. While much of this focuses on traditional heterosexual dating practices, we find ourselves annually drawn into discussions surrounding the dating experiences of bisexual men.

Revisiting the Conversation Around Bisexual Men

Recently, TikTok and X have been abuzz with takes and reactions concerning the reluctance of straight women to date bisexual men.

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The topic of bisexual dating and associated labels surfaces annually. This year, we revisit tweets from 2024, 2020, and even 2018, all reflecting on the ongoing discourse surrounding “bi-lesbian” labels. This time, however, the focus is on bisexual men.

Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and a sex expert for Velvet Brands, a sex toy company, believes that the recurring nature of this conversation stems from its inherent complexity. He cautions against labeling every rejection as biphobia.

“The argument remains consistent over the years,” Zane shared with Mashable via email. “It doesn’t resolve because the question is more intricate than it initially appears. I don’t think that a lack of interest in dating a bi guy automatically indicates severe biphobia. I say this as a bi man who has faced plenty of rejection due to my sexuality.”

A 2023 meta-analysis published in Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity examined 61 studies conducted from 1999 to 2022, encompassing over 32,000 participants, to identify who harbors the strongest anti-bisexual biases. Findings revealed that men generally exhibit more negative attitudes toward bisexuality than women, with this gap widening concerning male bisexuality. Straight men are notably more likely to hold reservations about dating bi men compared to straight women. Interestingly, gay men and lesbians showed similar attitudes toward bisexuality.

This raises the question: why does the discourse consistently target women?

A separate study focusing on the willingness to date bisexual individuals provides further insight. Researchers surveyed over 1,800 participants across various sexual orientations, discovering that both straight and gay/lesbian individuals were less inclined to date bisexual people than those who identified as bisexual themselves. the reluctance to date bisexual men was particularly pronounced, with even bisexual women expressing hesitance toward dating them.

These studies reveal complex conclusions. While men, especially straight men, appear to carry a greater overall bias against bisexuality, the significant resistance bisexual men encounter in dating often comes from women — both bisexual and straight.

Polls conducted by Glamour and YouGov during the same timeframe indicated similar findings: Most surveyed women expressed that they either would not date a man with any male sexual history, bi or otherwise, or felt uncomfortable with the idea of having a bisexual partner.

Zane emphasizes that while no one owes an explanation for their preferences, there is a crucial distinction between a lack of interest and expressing cruelty regarding that disinterest.

“There’s a clear difference between cis women who refuse to date a bi man because they think, ‘Ew, that’s gross, he sucks dick.’ Such attitudes are clearly rooted in homophobia and biphobia.”

What Fuels the Fear of Dating Bisexual Men?

Common misconceptions surrounding bisexuality include the belief that bi men are “actually” gay and just in denial, that they are incapable of maintaining monogamous relationships, and that they present a higher risk for STIs. These stereotypes endure because bi men are often an easy target for stigma that would be unacceptable if directed at other groups.

Zane highlights that these stereotypes are interconnected. “These misconceptions support one another,” he states. “The label of being ‘secretly gay’ contributes to the stereotype that bi men have a greater STI risk, just as the myth that bisexual individuals are incapable of monogamy reinforces those same concerns.” He argues that dispelling one myth is ineffective if the others remain unchallenged.

Much of the resistance in this ongoing discourse arises from a straw man argument suggesting that anyone discussing the topic is attempting to shame or guilt straight women into finding bi men attractive, as if attraction itself were negotiable.

“Discomfort often equates to insecurity,” Zane observes. “However, rather than admitting their insecurities, individuals may choose to label their feelings as discomfort.”

No one is advocating that women must date bisexual men; the discussion revolves around the reasons some women provide for categorically excluding them — assumptions that they are secretly gay, more likely to cheat, or pose STI risks. While having preferences is normal, basing them on unfounded beliefs is problematic. framing any challenge to these beliefs as an attempt to “shame” women into attraction allows individuals to evade a genuine defense of their stance.

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Understanding the Cycle of Bi Men Discourse

The annual recurrence of this conversation is not solely about bisexuality; it reflects the nature of online engagement today. Writer Daysia Tolentino articulated well how online discourse often follows a react-first-think-later pattern, where the primary goal is not to seek solutions, but to sustain enough outrage to keep scrolling.

All topics are treated as though they hold monumental significance. As a result, trivial conversations about issues like dress codes in classrooms and discussions about bisexual men’s dating experiences receive the same level of intensity.

One tweet humorously pointed out the repetitive nature of these discussions, suggesting that the “bisexual men and straight women conversation” will resurface year after year without resolution. This cycle transcends the specific issue of bi men; it illustrates what happens when the internet latches onto a divisive topic.

The consequences of this are particularly significant for bisexual men, who remain the least likely group within the LGBTQ+ community to be openly accepted by those around them. The Pew Research Center found that only a small percentage of bisexual men are out to most key people in their lives, contrasting sharply with the majority of gay men and lesbians who openly embrace their identities.

Even Zane, who has dedicated years to unpacking this ongoing discourse, does not foresee an end to it anytime soon. He likens it to the equally exhausting and cyclical debate over whether straight people should participate in Pride events that resurfaces each June.

“This discourse is undeniably draining,” he acknowledges. “However, I believe that the only way forward is through continued dialogue. Change takes time.”