Superintendent Killing and Dismemberment Attempt: Lady Arrested

Late-night legends Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers, Jon Stewart, and Jimmy Fallon unleashed a torrent of humor as they dissected Trump’s chaotic first day back in office. Their comedic style was unrelenting, as they didn’t hold back on their critiques, delivering punchlines that captured the absurdity of the day.

With wit and humor, the hosts labeled the president as a “wannabe fascist dictator” while poking fun at Elon Musk’s awkward straight-arm salute, making a jab at Melania’s hat, which they humorously dubbed her “very own border wall.” They didn’t shy away from addressing Biden’s sweeping pardons, the conspicuous absence of Michelle Obama, and even Senator Fetterman’s unconventional choice of shorts, leaving no stone unturned in their comedic analysis.

“Donald J. Trump, the forty fifth president of the United States, a man whose notorious and scandalous behavior has been meticulously documented, returned to the Capitol Rotunda just four years after inciting a day of chaotic insurrection in that very location,” remarked Stewart, setting the tone for a night filled with biting satire and insightful commentary.

Jon Stewart unleashed a nearly 20-minute segment that critically examined every aspect of former President Joe Biden’s last day in office juxtaposed with President Trump’s chaotic first day back.

His commentary targeted the noticeable presence of tech titans—“the six individuals who control nearly 20% of the world’s wealth and 100% of your personal information”—who received prime seating, while Democrats lined up for obligatory handshakes, starkly illustrating the traditional transfer of power.

Among those notably absent was former First Lady Michelle Obama. Stewart quipped, “Only Michelle Obama seemed to hold the consistent moral stance of saying, ‘When they go low, I stay the f–k home. I don’t care. I’m staying home,’” humorously addressing her unexplained absence from the event.

He also remarked on the irony of “all these people who warned Americans to shun this wannabe fascist dictator called Trump,” being present at the ceremony, humorously portraying it as if they were saying, “Look at me, Ma! Let’s go see Hitler and get a quick selfie for Instagram.”

Looking at the lineup of tech billionaires, Stewart joked, “Populism, ladies and gentlemen. Shouldn’t this be happening in a volcano lair near Zurich? Or are we just open-source Illuminati now? Where’s the fun in conspiracy theories?”

Stewart also joined fellow late-night hosts in ridiculing Melania Trump’s wide-brimmed hat, which amusingly thwarted a Trump kiss attempt, humorously suggesting it assisted her in controlling her borders.

He then shared a video clip of Elon Musk’s awkward straight-arm salute, which many online quickly likened to the infamous “Sieg Heil!” salute from Nazi Germany, highlighting the bizarre moments of the day.

However, Stewart attempted to give Musk the benefit of the doubt, suggesting, “Charitably, I’ll say that was just a clumsy ‘my heart goes out to you’ gesture,” and added, “Listen, it’s a f–king nerve-wracking day, you’re not usually a public speaker; it’s a one-off gesture.”

Yet it wasn’t just a one-time gesture, as Musk then turned and repeated the salute, prompting Stewart to quip, “I’m just going to be generous and say, maybe that was Elon’s attempt at dabbing on the haters. By the way, do people still dab on haters?”

After dissecting the day from various angles, Stewart concluded, “The takeaway of today was the man who attempted to overthrow the government has been peacefully handed the reins of power, and the outgoing president has initiated a new tradition of blanket pardoning everyone in his orbit. The two men creating an impressive snake-sucking-its-own-dick cycle of no accountability.”

Jimmy Fallon, known for his light-hearted approach, waded into political commentary with a playful take, stating, “America is rolling the dice with a second Trump presidency. It’s like we somehow survived the first Squid Game and then signed back up for a second round.”

The Tonight Show host playfully donned a hat reminiscent of Melania’s striking look, joking, “After this, we’re gonna play who wore it better, me, Melania, or the Hamburglar,” drawing laughter from the audience as he referenced the classic fast-food mascot.

When showing images of the First Lady’s arrival, Fallon quipped, “People weren’t sure if she was there for the inauguration or to take down Indiana Jones. All day long, Trump kept trying to slice into the hat, hoping it was cake,” adding a hilarious twist to the narrative.

Fallon also highlighted Trump’s unusual choice of using two Bibles during the swearing-in ceremony, one belonging to Abraham Lincoln and the other his personal Bible.

While he did not mention that Trump did not place his hand on either Bible, Fallon humorously pointed out, “You could tell which was which because one was 200 years old, the other was a menu from The Cheesecake Factory.”

While Fallon overlooked Trump’s lack of placing his hand on a Bible during the swearing-in, other late-night hosts, including Seth Meyers, didn’t miss the opportunity to address this. Many made jokes suggesting that either Trump or the Bible would burst into flames if he had.

Seth Meyers, however, had a unique takeaway regarding Trump’s hand not being on the Bible during the ceremony, quipping, “Wow, not the man I expected to bring back the separation of church and state.”

Later, Meyers showcased a clip of Trump asserting that his administration would “not forget our God,” only to circle back to the Bible omission, asking, “Yo, you forget something, bro?” as he humorously pointed out the irony.

All of this followed Meyers taking a moment to come to terms with the significance of the day, reflecting on the first time he uttered the words “President Trump.”

After shaking his head in disbelief, Meyers remarked, “Whoo, sorry, it’s just hitting me; I haven’t said that in four years. What a flashback. It feels like asking someone if they went with Pfizer or Moderna,” humorously referencing the COVID-19 vaccine debate.

He also noted the late decision by the incoming president’s team to move the inauguration indoors, joking about January 6 protesters: “‘Oh, we know how to get there,’ said his supporters. ‘Inside? We’re on our way!’”

Meyers continued his inauguration commentary during his popular “A Closer Look” segment, urging Trump supporters to reconsider the optics of him moving the event indoors and inviting all these tech leaders.

“It’s so ironic. When Trump was leaving office, they walked right into the Capitol. But now that he’s back, they’re s–t out of luck,” Meyers remarked, emphasizing, “MAGA supporters were left out in the cold while Trump gave VIP seats to the wealthy tech oligarchs.”

While Trump spoke about reinstating freedom of speech and eliminating government censorship, Meyers lightened up, humorously expressing his worries for himself should Trump return to power, considering all the jokes he’s made at the president’s expense.

“I’ll admit I was nervous about this show for a hot second, but now, knowing you’re a man of your word, full steam ahead,” he quipped, reflecting on the unpredictability of political humor.